I started having really bad back spasms again last night, for the first time since November. For once, Monday can’t come soon enough, so that I can make an appointment for PT! Man, I hope I feel better soon!
I was looking back at Tuesday’s entry (just below), and I realized something. I said I didn’t know whether to go home to Denver or make a life for myself here in Oklahoma. Here’s the thing, though – I’ve already made a life for myself in Oklahoma. I’m also not sure that Denver is home anymore.
I mean, my parents are there, and it’s where my roots are, but if home is where your life actually takes place, then home is Norman, Oklahoma. It seems like with every day that passes, I get more and more confused about what to do. I wish I had a really compelling reason to choose one or the other. I also wish my judgment wasn’t clouded with unrequited feelings. I think if I could look at all of this objectively, it would be easier. But I’ve made big decisions based on what I thought was love before, and they’ve almost always turned out to be the wrong decisions.
For most of the semester, I’ve been really excited about graduation, but now I’m fearing it more and more. I’ve got no reason to feel such trepidation – I know God will take care of me wherever I go as long as I let Him. I need to start trusting a little more, but it’s so hard.
I’m feeling very alone right now, and I don’t know why. I have more people in my life right now that care about me than many people have their whole lives, but I feel empty anyway. Maybe it’s just coming down from my Search high. Maybe I’m just indulging in self-pity. Maybe it’s a chemical imbalance. Who knows? Maybe I just need a nap.