Jynnan Tonnyx

Kind of an odd time to be writing a diary entry, but then again, this is me, after all. It just occurred to me as I was getting ready for bed that I never gave you, my faithful reading public, an update on the events of the last two entries.

After waiting on pins and needles for four days for a reply from the object of my affection, I finally received an answer by e-mail. It was, of course, exactly the reply I expected, and I was just as disappointed as I expected to be. Nonetheless, it felt good to have said my piece to her, and to hear for sure that there was no point in continuing to carry a torch for her. After all, I’ve been down that road too many times before - of waiting and waiting for a chance, only to have it blow up in my face when it comes. Better to retain a friendship and salvage my dignity, in the long run. Not that my feelings for her have just evaporated all of a sudden, and I’ve been very blue when I’ve seen her this week. But at least I can turn my attention to other things without feeling the pangs of never-gave-it-a-shot.

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My Software Engineering team has completely frozen me out of our final project. They do not want me to work on part of our acceptance presentation. I fucked up pretty bad during our implementation phase; I procrastinated so long and frustrated them so badly that they ended up doing my portion for me. They have dropped me from all e-mail contact, and have basically thrown me out of the group for all intents and purposes. I would chalk it up to being petty, except one of the guys in my capstone course threatened to do the same thing earlier this semester.

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Wow! I didn’t realize I hadn’t written in almost a month! I’m really getting lazy.

Well, I finally told her (if you’re not following whom I’m speaking of, read below). I wasn’t going to, but it’s started keeping me up nights (as if I need another reason). She’s probably going to end up reading this diary, too (alright - a fourth person!). There’s no undoing it - I just have to trust that my friendship with her is strong enough that this won’t mess it up. I would hate that even more than I hate the fact that we’ll probably never be together. That’s one of the problems with e-mail - you can’t take it back once you’ve sent it. You’re just stuck with whatever lunk-headed thing you’ve written. I hope she understands.

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