Jynnan Tonnyx

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I have a confession: I really like Hamburger Helper. When I was in college, it was a cheap way to make a filling meal. Now that I’m a father, it’s an easy way to throw together dinner when I’m home alone with the girls or when it’s my turn to cook dinner. They also reheat very well - you can make some for dinner and then take the rest for lunch the next day with no trouble. There’s some I like quite a bit better than others - the ones with noodles or rice are usually pretty good, but the ones with dried potatoes are not quite so good.

A few months ago, Betty Crocker started marketing their Hamburger Helper Microwave Singles. They’re terrible. Part of what makes Hamburger Helper good is the fact that you still use fresh meat. The reconstituted beef in the Microwave Singles has a lousy texture and overall the flavor is pretty sub-par. I think Betty Crocker realizes this, because recently they started taking the microwave directions off the regular Hamburger Helper boxes!

Since the microwave is my preferred way to prepare it (it takes far less time and doesn’t splatter all over my stove), I went looking for directions online. Betty Crocker has directions for their 4 best-selling flavors in a FAQ, but the only one they have that I like is Lasagna. Since there doesn’t appear to be a single place online with microwave directions, I decided to grab the directions from the product descriptions on Amazon.com before they disappear there, too. I’ve included all of the Hamburger Helper brands, including Tuna Helper. Chicken Helper has never, to my knowledge, included microwave directions, and Pork Helper appears to be no more; my hunch is it was always just Chicken Helper with directions on how to cook the pork anyway. This list is not complete - if I couldn’t find it on Amazon.com or in the Betty Crocker FAQ, it isn’t here. If you have the directions for one I don’t, just leave a comment below!

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Fucking New York know-it-alls. Some smart ass on the New York Times website writes in a comment that Matt Holliday doesn’t deserve the MVP even though he led 2 out of 3 Triple Crown categories, because his home-road splits are .376/123/82/1.157 vs. .301/93/55/.859 (Avg./H/RBI/OPS). His supposed MVP? Jimmy Rollins, who was 20th in average with a total batting average of .296 (.301 at home). That’s right - this East Coast genius thinks a guy who didn’t hit as well overall as Holliday did on the road, and who could only match Holliday’s road average when he was home. Boy, that’s sure a convincing argument. Come back when you have a real candidate, you moron.

As for the original article, “Where Did Kazuo Matsui Come From?”, how about this: he’s playing for a fan base that appreciates him, and doesn’t boo him at every turn, as you oh-so-kind New Yorkers do whenever a player doesn’t meet your unrealistic expectations. Maybe if you actually supported your teams, instead of concentrating on every mistake and disrespecting every other team (especially teams that go 6-0 in back-to-back series against the Yankees and Mets, as the Rockies did this year), you would gain some satisfaction from the game.

That’s really all I have to say.