Jynnan Tonnyx

You know that scene in Happy Gilmore, when he misses his tee shot, and proceeds to get bleeped for 2 solid minutes? Yeah, that would be me if I ever got on television as a bowler. Even if I could hone my skills sufficiently to make the PBA tour, I don’t think I could ever master my temper well enough. Jennie’s folks no longer bowl with us on Monday nights because of my outbursts. Now, I try really, really hard, but sometimes I just get so frustrated that I have to drop an f-bomb or two. Or seventeen. Hundred.

With the events of the last 3 weeks, we’re really looking at an interesting scenario for November. Hillary Clinton’s campaign continues to insist that it will court superdelegates to win the nomination, no matter the damage to the party, if she hasn’t won a plurality of committed delegates. It certainly doesn’t look at this point like either Democratic candidate will have a clear majority of delegates, and it doesn’t appear that either one (or, especially, their supporters) will go away quietly, either. I think there’s definite potential for a party split, especially if Hillary wins either because of superdelegates or by getting the Florida and Michigan delegations seated.

On the Republican side, even after Mitt Romney dropped out, Mike Huckabee started winning pretty substantial numbers in the remaining Republican primaries. Rush Limbaugh has been practically foaming at the mouth about how McCain’s “not really a conservative” - just because he doesn’t support trying to deport 12 million people en masse - how novel! The Republican winner-take-most allocations in those states means Huckabee’s not likely to cause a contested nomination, but it indicates that McCain’s support from “the base” is pretty thin. If he does get the nomination, will the Religious Right split the party?

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Some of the brouhaha recently with Al Gore winning the Nobel Prize got me thinking. Scientists recently have taken to raising alarms in political circles and the public arena, no longer content to simply publish their findings in a journal and let our elected officials do the right thing with the results. There’s one main reason for this: the politicos (especially the morally bankrupt sophists in the Bush administration) refuse to acknowledge the science, let alone do the right thing.

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Fair warning: if you don’t like to hear about anybody’s bodily functions, skip this one.

Anybody with half a brain could tell you this, but you need to know the names of the medications you take, even those you only use occasionally - especially if you buy store-brand generics. I thought I remembered the generic name for Immodium (it’s loperamide HCl, btw), so when I was sick with some stomach bug yesterday, I popped two loratadine tablets and waited for the diarrhea to pass. After about 2 hours, I took another one when it hadn’t gone away. Then by 8PM I was suffering a brutal sinus headache, barely able to move my head. If I sneezed or tried to blow my nose, it felt like I was bashing my skull against the wall. When I complained to Jennie that my sinuses were killing me, she asked if I had taken any Sudafed yet. I replied that I hadn’t, and went to see if we had any in the bathroom.

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I have a confession: I really like Hamburger Helper. When I was in college, it was a cheap way to make a filling meal. Now that I’m a father, it’s an easy way to throw together dinner when I’m home alone with the girls or when it’s my turn to cook dinner. They also reheat very well - you can make some for dinner and then take the rest for lunch the next day with no trouble. There’s some I like quite a bit better than others - the ones with noodles or rice are usually pretty good, but the ones with dried potatoes are not quite so good.

A few months ago, Betty Crocker started marketing their Hamburger Helper Microwave Singles. They’re terrible. Part of what makes Hamburger Helper good is the fact that you still use fresh meat. The reconstituted beef in the Microwave Singles has a lousy texture and overall the flavor is pretty sub-par. I think Betty Crocker realizes this, because recently they started taking the microwave directions off the regular Hamburger Helper boxes!

Since the microwave is my preferred way to prepare it (it takes far less time and doesn’t splatter all over my stove), I went looking for directions online. Betty Crocker has directions for their 4 best-selling flavors in a FAQ, but the only one they have that I like is Lasagna. Since there doesn’t appear to be a single place online with microwave directions, I decided to grab the directions from the product descriptions on Amazon.com before they disappear there, too. I’ve included all of the Hamburger Helper brands, including Tuna Helper. Chicken Helper has never, to my knowledge, included microwave directions, and Pork Helper appears to be no more; my hunch is it was always just Chicken Helper with directions on how to cook the pork anyway. This list is not complete - if I couldn’t find it on Amazon.com or in the Betty Crocker FAQ, it isn’t here. If you have the directions for one I don’t, just leave a comment below!

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Fucking New York know-it-alls. Some smart ass on the New York Times website writes in a comment that Matt Holliday doesn’t deserve the MVP even though he led 2 out of 3 Triple Crown categories, because his home-road splits are .376/123/82/1.157 vs. .301/93/55/.859 (Avg./H/RBI/OPS). His supposed MVP? Jimmy Rollins, who was 20th in average with a total batting average of .296 (.301 at home). That’s right - this East Coast genius thinks a guy who didn’t hit as well overall as Holliday did on the road, and who could only match Holliday’s road average when he was home. Boy, that’s sure a convincing argument. Come back when you have a real candidate, you moron.

As for the original article, “Where Did Kazuo Matsui Come From?”, how about this: he’s playing for a fan base that appreciates him, and doesn’t boo him at every turn, as you oh-so-kind New Yorkers do whenever a player doesn’t meet your unrealistic expectations. Maybe if you actually supported your teams, instead of concentrating on every mistake and disrespecting every other team (especially teams that go 6-0 in back-to-back series against the Yankees and Mets, as the Rockies did this year), you would gain some satisfaction from the game.

That’s really all I have to say.

Every time I read another article or column about Republican schemes to cheat their way into the White House, I get steamed. This time, I was reading Bob Herbert’s pair of columns from the New York Times (Sept. 18, Sept. 22). What’s sad is that nobody even cares anymore - we all just shrug and say, “that’s what Republicans do.”

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