I think fighting’s a lot easier when you shout. When you raise your voice, it’s much easier to sit or stand there in self-righteousness and anger, and not have to look at the pain you’ve caused on your loved one’s face. It’s so much easier to get a rise out of the other person, and concentrate on the awful things you’ve goaded them into saying to you. What’s much harder is to be a man, own your words and your mistakes, and apologize the best you know how. What’s daunting either way is mending the damage you’ve caused, and making sure that the relationship you’ve wounded is stronger for the experience.

So yeah, all is not happy-happy-joy-joy in Chad Land tonight. My inability to just fess up and say what’s on my mind caused my first big fight with Jennie, a fight where we never once raised our voices, just talked. I don’t know what I expected, considering I delayed telling her what I told her for an inexcusably long time, putting a happy face on everything. I know this isn’t earth-shattering, or relationship-ending, but I still feel awful. Her mom said she’d like me right up until I made her cry. Well, guess what, Mrs. Grodecki – you can hate me now. I know what you’re thinking at this point – “WTF? Did he cheat on her or something?” It’s not anywhere near that level of stupidity, and I won’t divulge the real issue, because I value her privacy. Suffice it to say that I was a hypocrite, and I said one thing last week only to turn around and seemingly contradict it now; I don’t think I ever lied, I just didn’t speak my mind completely when I should have. I’m weak, and cowardly, and I deserve to feel as bad as I do right now. I can’t bear the thought of how destructive something the magnitude of infidelity would be, given the guilt I feel over this.

Lord, watch over Jennie tonight, and watch over me. Mend the wounds I have caused. Grant me the strength to be honest and forthright in my relationships, to always speak the truth at the appropriate time, even when it’s painful, and to always own up to my failings. Amen.