My Software Engineering team has completely frozen me out of our final project. They do not want me to work on part of our acceptance presentation. I fucked up pretty bad during our implementation phase; I procrastinated so long and frustrated them so badly that they ended up doing my portion for me. They have dropped me from all e-mail contact, and have basically thrown me out of the group for all intents and purposes. I would chalk it up to being petty, except one of the guys in my capstone course threatened to do the same thing earlier this semester.

Have I grown that unreliable and untrustworthy that delegating anything to me is such a risk? Am I that great a liability to any team I’m part of? I must be, since my contributions are no longer appreciated by anyone I work with professionally. This must be why I received no job offers, even from those employers who did interview me. I must project an aura of “non-team-playing dilettante.”

I wouldn’t take this so hard if it weren’t such an indictment of my basic character. I don’t know how to fix this aspect of my personality. I’ve turned into the kind of person I really hate: all talk, no action. I’m so directionless right now, and it’s affected everything – my schoolwork, my extra-curricular activities, my future plans, my relationships. I just expect everything to fall in my lap without having to work for it. It’s ridiculous. It would be almost comical if it weren’t so depressing. It’s like I’m allergic to effort all of a sudden.